A hard time

I'm not one to "blog" instead of writing an update or give a little glimpse into our lives, but tonight I wanted to use this website to write down a couple of thoughts, hoping to collect myself in the process.

This week has been tough as I watched Beckham closely, noticing how each day brought more bruises, more evidence that something was not right, and proof when his labs came back with lowered platelets again (which are continuing to decline). He does not have an illness at all that could be causing his decline in platelets, but then again, he does not have too. He has Evans Syndrome, which means that he can drop at any moment. Yikes. I'm not okay with that. I hate watching him suffer.

I spent hours this week researching Evans Syndrome, becoming FREAKED out with what I read (P.S - my advise to anyone is to NOT research stuff because it scares that crap out of you!), and becoming more scared for the future - scared for Beckham's health, scared that he will not get to experience things that a little boy should be allowed to experience, scared that this will effect his angel heart, scared of the treatments he will have to receive again, and just plain scared in general.

Bottom line: I'm having a hard time with this. A really hard time. A really, really, really hard time.

Right before I put the kiddos to bed tonight, I watched Beckham barely smack his back side against something, and a huge bruise immediately appeared (one of MANY bruises). I went to my room after the kids were down and had a meltdown. And after I composed myself I sat and thought and thought and thought and then I turned on my computer and watched this:



The new bottom line: I'm going to have a hard time with this....but that's okay. I'm supposed to have a hard time. And, I'm not alone, nor will I ever be. Beckham is worth every bit of this suffering. I love him more than words can express. He is mine, and Heavenly Father knew that he (and I) could handle this.

And I'm okay with that.