The last couple of days have been filled with déjà vu of my days with Gwen as a newborn. Gwen had a bad case of colic and would keep me up all day, all night, and leave me feeling that at any moment my sanity was going to snap (good thing she was super cute). It used to break my heart when I would watch her writhe in pain and I would have no way of helping. Beckham has brought those memories very close to the surface as he has continued to be in horrible, inconsolable pain. I have felt that same helpless, heart broken feeling watching him and my lack of sleep is only adding to my state of mind.
After an x-ray of his gut on Tuesday and then again this morning, it was determined that Beckham has a horrible case of FOS (full of sh*# - that's the doctors term and not mine, but I thought it was a great way to describe his problem). Beck's gut is so jam packed full of poop and gas, that he does not even have room to eat (hence his lack of appetite for the last couple of days). He has been given Miralax and suppositories to help with this problem, but that opens up a whole other problem of possibly causing bleeding. The possibility became a reality last night when Beckham had multiple diapers containing blood, and then a large bloody vomit. He is being watched very closely right now, but the doctors do not think that he has an internal bleed, but more like small fissures.
Because Beckham has been in such great pain, he has been given Ativan to help him relax. The only problem with this is that this little guy of course has the adverse effect and becomes SUPER hyper. All I can say is that it has been a LONG week, full of many sleepless nights. I almost reached my breaking point last night as the doctors came in to look at my writhing, baby in pain. I asked that the Plasmapheresis be stopped because his platelets have not gone up and it is not worth it to see Beckham in so much pain. We are not sure if the Plasmapheresis is causing his pain - it is more likely that it is from the Dex (sedative) they use during the treatment - but either way, I honestly can't watch him suffer like this anymore and I truly think that he needs a break. The doctors were wonderful about this and said that they will give him a break, but he will still get a dose of Rituxin tonight.
I should probably have written this when I was a little more rested, a little more calm, and a little more sane. I guess that I am just ready to see the light at the end of this tunnel, and have my little guy healthy and in our home. I know that this will be a long recovery, and I will give Beck all the time in the world. He's worth it...all of it! We sure love him to pieces and are so grateful that despite this whole process that he remains happy and full of spirit.
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15 comments:
Aw, Kim. That's horrible. I'm sorry that things have been so hard recently! I'll be praying for you and your family. I hope things look up soon!
I am so sorry. Watching your child suffering is so hard (made harder when you haven't slept for a while). Can you get a break for a few today? I know that is so hard to do and it usually took me hitting a breaking point before I would find a way to make it happen but it would do you much good. I will pray for you today as well as for Beckham. I hope that he can get rid of his little poop pocket soon and safely. And GET HOME SOON!!!!
oh man! Wish I could so something for you. Glad he's getting break and hopefully his digestion problem will dissipate soon. Love you.
Hang in there! You guys continue to amaze me at how patient you are throughout this entire process. Beckham is so lucky to have such great parents - it really must make all the difference in the world. We'll keep you all in our prayers!
What a nightmare. You are such a good mom, there is nothing worse than having a sick baby and watching him be in pain. You amaze me I hope you know. Eddy was sick for about a 2 months and I just kept thinking of you and your endurance. Thanks for being such a good example to me. Love ya!
Poor Becks. We continue to pray for you buddy! I heard the plasmapheresis was pretty harsh for these little guys. I can't stand seeing my child in pain, I would have done the same as you.
Praying the Rituxin will do some good. I'm so sorry. It's a LONG road to recovery, but he's a fighter.
I give Owen Miralax in his formula everyday, I just add it to the recipe.. keeps him going. Too much info I"m sure.
Praying :)
Andrea
My heart is just breaking for you, Kim. I know how terrible it is to see your child suffering and be completely helpless. There is nothing worse. I am so very sorry that the Plasmapheresis didn't do it's job, and I hope they can figure out a way to get your healthy, normal Beckham back very, very soon. My thoughts are with you as always. We love that little guy so very much!!!! You are doing an amazing job - I know how hard it can be to remain strong in the face of so much adversity, and you and your family are so inspiring, every day. We'll keep thinking lots of positive thoughts and sending them all out to Iowa!!!!
so much love,
Holly & Co.
I'm sure it is difficult to keep all of us informed by writing such unhappy news on the blog .... but keep it coming. All of us shed tears for Beckham, for you two as parents and for Gwen missing her family. Knowing what is going on moves us to pray for all of you carefully and sincerely. The greatest thing about this form of communication is we are informed of really how difficult life in the hospital is. We are so far away to be of any help other than to mourn with you and pray for you. Hang in there - you have a huge fan club cheering for you!
xoxo Tibi
Kim, I so feel for you! I wish I could be there to help you through those long nights so that you could get some rest! That would be the worse thing...watching your child be in so much pain and you feeling so helpless! I hope it gets better real soon! We're praying for ya!
Oh Kim, I am so sorry that you have to go through all this! I said to Tom the other day that I think of you so much during the day and how awful it has to be spending this much time in the hospital. Three days were far too much for us and you seem to be living there lately. Poor Beckham. But you are right, he is soooo worth it. I am glad he remains in good spirits and happy, that makes it a little easier on all of you. Our prayers are with you as always, we love your family.
Our thoughts are with you always.
From our hearts to yours,
Tom and Crystal
I am sorry Kim. Their is nothing worse. We pray for Becks every night.
I pray that you can feel our love and support from all these darn miles away.
...I can't even imagine. You're posts sure keep things in perspective for me. I'm so sorry for everything that you're all still going through. We continue to keep you each in our prayers.
This has to be just miserable.
I'm so sorry.
I'll be praying for you guys!
Kim,
It's Jill Hankel from Allied. I've been following your blog since I left Allied. My family and I have been praying for you and little Beckham and continue to do so. Keep fighting hon; it will get better!
This is breaking my heart. Poor Baby Beck. My heart is aching for him right now. May you find a way to comfort him, and may you find a way to be comforted, too. I can only imagine how bad it hurts you to watch Beck in pain. Still praying... Much love.
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